I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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