Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
