You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
