Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
