he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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