toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
