probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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