we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
should my penis look like a turkey
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
