I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
