i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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