her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
