Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
