I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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