So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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