Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
