guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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