Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
