No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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