I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
