know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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