Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
