i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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