gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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