Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
