Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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