I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Randomize
