I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
