i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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