The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
