I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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