cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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