So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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