hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
