I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
