You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
