oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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