Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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