On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
