I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
