I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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