Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
