so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
