I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
