you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
