fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
