he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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