seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize