well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
