P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
