My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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