He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
