Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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