Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
