What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
