when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
