Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
