I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
