Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
