I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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