South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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