The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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