i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize