im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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