just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
