She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize