I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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