If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
This toilet bowl is my home.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
