Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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